In search of a campaign assistant, Augustus Sol Invictus, a candidate for the Florida Libertarian Party’s 2016 nomination for U.S. Senate, posted the following to his Facebook page this past Monday:
I need a new assistant immediately. Requirements:
– Cannot be a friend of mine. Familiarity makes for horrible pace and work quality.
– Must be between the ages of 18 and 32. People who are older eventually let surface their repressed resentment at being told what to do by someone younger than them.
– Must be at least semi-attractive, whether male or female. You will be my personal representative, and people will judge me based on your appearance.
– Must be intelligent. This is a fast-paced job demanding independent thought and resourcefulness.
– Must live in Orlando. Long commutes always turn out poorly.
– Must take oaths of loyalty and secrecy. You will be my right hand, with all that implies.
The comment resulted in a plethora of applicants who posted their qualifications for the position on Invictus’s Facebook wall:
Augustus Invictus it is me Gem Jones, here is a pic of me wearing makeup. I am the best candidate for the assistant position. I think fast, I am cunning like a wolf. I have pagan tendencies and practice Sex Magick. I am articulate and willing to conform to your every desire at the drop of a hat. I will be your closest confidant and assure you of the utmost secrecy and discretion. We will have the intimacy and efficiency of cogs in a well-oiled machine. That you are a stranger (for now) ensures the unfamiliarity necessary for a swift pace and high quality work. You are a maverick and need someone reliable, radical and grounded in ritual. I can be all of this and more Augustus Invictus.
Augustus Invictus it is me Joey Willems, here is a pic of me wearing Marmot. I am the best candidate for the assistant position. I think fast food, I am sleepy like a sloth. I have nihilistic tendencies and practice Sex Badgering. I am autistic and willing to play Jenga at the drop of a hat. I will be your closet consigliere and assure you the most secretory dissection. We will have the savagery and barbarism of slavs in a well-oiled Tatrapan. That you are a stranger (for now) ensures the awkward necessity for carefully chosen words and failure to question your actions. You are a marlin and need someone angling, fishing, and grounded in spaghetti. I can do dis and some more of the things Augustus Invictus.
I’m an anti-social, misanthropic, nihilistic anarchist who lives in Maryland.
Hire me as your assistant.
Augustus Invictus It’s me TR-8R, here is a pic of me with my riot baton. I am the beat candidate for the assistant position. I kill traitors and am loyal to the first order. I practice sick spins and will remove traitors at the drop of a hat. I will be your most loyal Stormtrooper and assure you the utmost loyalty and sick spins. That you are a stranger (for now) ensures the unfamiliarity needed sick spins and loyal work. You are the first order and need a Stromtrooper who is loyal, reliable, and grounded in removing traitorous rebel scum. I can be all of this and more.
Augustus Invictus it is me Conor Pádraic Fynes, here is a pic of me that my mother took of me on my most recent birthday. I’m not wearing any makeup, because I think it deters from my natural beauty. She says I look very handsome and dashing in this photograph and I hope I don’t seem immodest if I tend to agree with her in a great way. I am a great wit and have memorized the collected works of 20th century British humourist P.G. Wodehouse. I am smooth like a baby’s bum and quick like a microwaved burrito. I have vvampyric tendencies and enjoy diddling the snozzles of space ghosts when the mood strikes me. I will be your closest confidant, a strong arm, and a shoulder to cry on. I will be the sriracha sauce to your Pho. That you are not a Vietnamese soup dish means my past sentence may be construed as a witty metaphor rather than a statement of fact. I can be all of this and more Augustus Invictus.
Augustus Invictus it’sa me, Mario! Here is a pic of me wearing a mustache. I am the best candidate for the assistant plumber position. I run fast, I am steadfast like a koopa troopa. I have Italian tendencies and practice brick-smashing. I am able to grow by eating mushrooms and am willing to conform to find your princess, whatever castle she may be in. I will be your favorite playable character in Smash Bros and I assure you of our unchallenged string of victories. We will have the creepiness and spookiness of Boos in a long-abandoned mansion. That you are a stranger (for now) ensures the unfamiliarity necessary for a swift pace and high quality speedruns. You are a Fire Flower and need someone reliable, with extra lives and grounded in pixels. I can be all of this and more Augustus Invictus.
Augustus Invictus, it is me, Ciarán Morrissey, A E S T H E T I C A L L Y resting my A E S T H E T I C watch on my head so I can apply for the assistant position. I have less than a dozen toes and can sleep upright. There is no board game I can play well, and no boardroom I can win in. That you are a stranger (>f-for you) necessitates an awkward choosing of words and failure to question your actions or blood-fuelled, goat-loathing plans of world domination. You are a healthy, balanced breakfast and I am the energy to keep you alert until lunchtime. I can be all of this and moreAugustus Invictus.
Augustus Invictus, it’s me, Anna Arceneaux. I used to be your most loyal and trusted assistant until you promoted me to housewife. I hope you find the perfect, new assistant so you can keep doing really well at your job. I am so proud of you. I am also the perfect candidate to tell you I love you forever. Call me…
Hello, it is me. I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet. To go over everything. They say that time’s supposed to heal ya but I ain’t done much healing
Hello, can you hear me? I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be when we were younger and free. I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet
There’s such a difference between us and a million miles
Hello from the other side. I must have called a thousand times to tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done. But when I call you never seem to be home
Augustus Invictus here’s a photo of me thinking about home improvement(the show) I’m the best candidate for the assistant position because I’m efficient with using a claymore and I’m trained in Krav Maga and I have a yellow belt in tai chi
Truly the only member of your team you’ll ever need. I await your response.
[Edit: Pinochet had previously commented:
Greetings Augustus Invictus. I’m just a simple Chilean general/helicopter aficionado but I come to you bearing many talents you might find useful during your revolu—errm “campaign”. Including but not limited to. The ability to manage many disparate forces in a way that assures we all meet the same goal, namely removing commies. The ability to manage paperwork…and newspapers for that matter. And I’m pretty good with Microsoft spreadsheet as well. While I may be older than you (and dead) I really don’t forsee a problem working together. As far as attractiveness….umm I’m friggin Pinochet. Nuff said. Also the ability to commute shouldn’t be a problem due to aforementioned helicopters. I look forward to working with you during your glorious “campaign”.
Thanks to Thane Eichenauer for the update]
Augustus Invictus it is me, Adolf Hitler. The media says you’re a fascist, but you’re doing it all wrong. I can help you where you lack the necessary experience. I am a superb orator, a skilled manager, and have no qualms working for someone who is my junior by the better part of a century. I will be your right arm as well as your right fist. Sieg Heil!
i may be the right man for the position in question, for though i live in colorado, i can change into many animal forms and have a multicolored aura. i was (to boot) coronated succesor to emperor Norton II by some minor scholars during a rite performed on the summer solstice of this last year. i smoke marijuana and am despicably lazy about house cleaning, yet still have a flare for interior design. lest we forget the american libertarian party was founded in colorado, a choice of fred is a choice close to home. as well, i am jewish… so you know…
Hello Augustus. It’s me, Don.
Let me help you make America great again. I have a multi-billion dollar fortune that I built myself. I have an IQ somewhere in the 160’s, and have no problem being the voice of reason in an often insane world. I think I am the perfect candidate for the assistant position and we can carry one another into the future.
Augustus Invictus, my name is Bill Wilson. I understand that you are currently looking for an assistant. You’re a big guy in the political scene, and as such, there will be people looking to crash your chances at being elected with no survivors. I have seen your fire rise, and I want to be the one to get voters on board so that I can call it in on election day. Don’t let your political struggle be the bane of your existence. Allow me to help.
Augustus Invictus, it’s me… The one and only Ron Jeremy. I am the best choice for your assistant. I have something to offer that none of the other candidates do. I will knock out everyone who gets in the way of your agenda with my freakishly oversized huge cock. Even at my age with viagra being so cheap I can still knock a mutha*#+`~¿ out cold. I’m a true American tough guy that refuses to seek medical attention after an erection lasting over 4 hours. You WILL choose me or feel the wraith of my oversized slong!
I am totally the wrong guy for the job, which might make me perfect, but that’s up to you. I live in San Diego, which is a lot like Florida so I’ve heard. I’m too old for your requirements if you count life years. I’m way too ugly and would request an entirely new wardrobe at your expense. I do however have a mic, a show and a platform to get the word out and you know you’re welcome on anytime! So hope you join me again soon on Welcome to the WAR! #TMS LIVE