New Presidential Sex Scandal Threatens to Explode All Over the Internet


A week after #CruzSexScandal set the Twitterverse ablaze on the heels of The National Enquirer’s exposé of GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz, The Saturnalian could ignite a firestorm of its own with the following report of a sex scandal involving a “longstanding, well known Progressive” presidential candidate.

Cue #MilnesSexScandal.

According to an anonymous source, Robert Milnes, a four time independent presidential candidate who blames an FBI/Mossad conspiracy for his inability to claim the White House, was allegedly arrested last summer in Sacramento for public masturbation. Video (see below) exists of a man resembling Milnes being caught, confronted, and fleeing before an arrest. Milnes denies involvement.

“I am not the person in the video,” says Milnes, “[T]his person is not me. Nice try, ZOG [Zionist Occupation Government].”

A user named Dave Jenest posted the video on YouTube on July 6 of last year. The previous day, Milnes had published an article on his blog The PLAS Place criticizing a “corrupt” local judge and the Camden County Police, seemingly focused on matters in his homestate of New Jersey.  However, after that there are no additional posts on the blog until July 24.  Moreover, Milnes has previously discussed traveling to California.

“I’ve met [Milnes],” says fellow presidential candidate Nathan Norman, “I’m pretty sure this is [Milnes in the video].”

Norman claims he met Milnes in Philadelphia years ago, but Milnes disagrees, “I’ve never met [Norman] so for all I know it could be [Norman in the video].”

Milnes has been quite open with his masturbatory habits. Four years ago he wrote of masturbating to test whether news reporters were spying on him through his television set. Several months ago he advertised on The PLAS Place the times for masturbation sessions to be broadcast live online. Public masturbation does not seem outside the realm of possibility.

Under California law, public masturbation constitutes disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor punishable by a fine of no more than $1,000 and/or a jail sentence of no more than 6 months.

Despite his denials, Milnes says he would “like to get arrested” in order to subpoena the FBI and Mossad.


4 thoughts on “New Presidential Sex Scandal Threatens to Explode All Over the Internet

  1. My nephew hasn’t even been in this car to the best of my knowledge. Certainly not since I’ve been driving it regularly.
    What happened was I smudged some cat scat unwittingly from my boot to the driver’s floor the morning I left it at the repair shop. They said to clean it before they would work on it. So I had the whole interior professionally detailed. Then no problem. My nephew must have heard about this from my sister and put his own spin on it.
    My sister drove my father and I to the doctor after that. She noticed the detailing but evidently didn’t inform my nephew.

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